I’m Still Learning

This post will be different than most. Less Pinball and more People. I’ll warn you up front it will also be very personal. The anniversaries of losing my best friend Andy and my father Douglas J. Purcell are just around the corner. It was October 12^th of last year that Andy passed and just 41 days later on Thanksgiving Day, that I lost my Dad from the very same disease. Both were great men in my life. Both influenced me in dramatic ways. My Dad in the ways that form the foundations of young men. My attitude, work drive, compassion, focus, sense of duty and more. My Dad shaped who I have become. I wrote about his struggles in Andy’s book but those words were written while he was still here, alive and talking with me every week. What follows is a two-part update. First on my Dad and then on Andy. I’ll wrap it all up at the very end.

DOUGLAS PURCELL

After losing Andy, my Dads condition worsened and I visited him in late October. He was in the hospital and with uncontrolled bleeding. I spent 3 days there and was thrilled to see him improve enough to go home. I left with hugs, several pictures of all of us smiling ear to ear and piled into his hospital bed, and the promise that he was going home. I said goodbye, said I love you – felt like running back to say it again but didn’t and left for home – 13 hours away. For the second time in just a few months, I had seen someone for the last time and did not realize it. I talked to my Dad many times after that but never saw him again.

During the following weeks his condition worsened, so I bought a plane ticket for the day after Thanksgiving to go back and visit him. In the middle of the night before Thanksgiving Day, I got a call from my Mom saying that he was being rushed to the hospital with bleeding again. The doctors did not give him a good prognosis. He was checked into the hospital but under what is called “comfort care” – no extreme measures would be taken to save his life. He accepted that fact. I called my Mom early on Thanksgiving Day to talk through what to do. I had a flight the next morning, but if I left “now”, I would be there by that evening. The doctors shared with my Mom that he might not make it until tomorrow. I gathered my Tennessee family in the driveway of our ranch in the chilly early morning air of that Thanksgiving Day and asked if they would bless my trip to NY and carry on without me. Through many tears, it was decided that I should leave immediately. I did.

I got almost halfway there when I got a call from my oldest Daughter. He was gone. I was too late. I pulled over. I talked to my Mom and Sister, who were both with him. I sat in the parking lot of a McDonald’s along Interstate 81 and cried. I got a call from a friend that heard the news and we both cried some more. When I finally got myself composed (an hour? more?) I got back on the road and continued my trek “home” to grieve with my family and provide comfort to each other as best you can in circumstances like this.

Over the next few days, I’d say we did pretty good. My Dad has a fantastic sense of humor. It was contagious to the whole family. We talked about him a lot while I was up there. More than that we laughed as much as we cried – and he would have wanted it that way. We know that because we had all heard him say a million times that he did not want to have some somber event memorializing his death – instead, he wanted a party. He wanted others to get together and have some fun thinking back on who he was and what he meant to them. So that’s what my Mom and Sister planned. They did all the work and in early May of the following year, we all got together for Douglas’s “Celebration of Life”. By then, I’d had enough time to reflect on my life and his impact on it. What follows is what I shared that day about what it was like to be his son.

Spoiler alert – it was really good.

My Prepared Comments for Douglas Purcell’s Celebration of Life May 4^th 2019

My Dad was a great man

• He loved god
• He loved his family
• He shared that love with us openly and publicly
• He taught me to do the same

It is amazing my Dad taught me how to show love

• As I heard him say on many occasions – his Dad did not outwardly demonstrate love to him
• So my Dad had no blueprint, no coach, no example of how to show love as a man
• But he did it anyway … And I remember it vividly
• And it has forever impacted how I behave as a father, husband and person

My Dad showed me how to be a Father

• He was patient with us
• He forgave us
• He also said “I love you” – ALL the time
• I kissed him goodnight until I was a teenager
• He told me he was proud of me – ALL the time, it’s one of the last things he said to me
• And when I moved away from here in 1995 it was HE who stood in for me with oldest daughter (she stayed behind with her mom) and was that father figure every daughter needs
  • That single act of love on his part represents the single best gift I’ve ever received
  • I suspect that my daughter might say the same

My Dad showed me how to be a Husband

• Dad stayed home
• He preferred to be with my Mom
• They were best friends and together for over 50 years
• They had their “dust-ups” and he would get angry BUT I always remember my Dad apologizing and admitting when he was wrong

My Dad showed me how to be Human

• He never thought of himself first – he was always worrying and praying for others
  • You see, I lost my best friend Andy to MDS this past year – he was 38 years old
  • The exact same disease that my Dad was diagnosed with
  • When my Dad was at his absolute worst with MDS, the first question he would ask would be about Andy – How is Andy doing? How is his little girl?
• He did not really care much for material things – the closest he got to that was his Volkswagen’s
• Dad loved music, so I do as well and I think some of the best people I know love music
• He was happy for others when things went well – he was happy for me and he often told me so
• He NEVER took himself too seriously and that drove a humble personality and a great sense of humor – he was fun to be around and loved to laugh

My Dad showed me how to Live

• He and Mom decided a long time ago that they were going to live in the moment
• There would be no plan to “start having fun” when they retired
• Because of those decisions, I have thousands of GOOD memories growing up as a kid
• My Mom and Dad did this “on purpose” and I am so proud to share it with you

• From about 1970 on, Dad drove our station wagon cross-country every summer on vacation
  • To build memories and experiences ahead of acquiring things or a big bank account
  • This was not long after the interstate system was completed so travel was a challenge
  • We camped in a pop-up in hundreds of KOA campgrounds scattered all over the country

• In 1977 they decided to take the entire plan to “bright” and move to upstate NY for good
  • They became self-employed business partners and doing for the next 40 years got do do what they loved AND provide my sister and I the most magical experiences we could imagine:
  • I thank my parents for the blessing of growing up here, to be grounded in “country” values and lifestyle
  • I thank them for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to be a teenager living on this very lake
  • Since leaving in 1995, I’ve traveled all of the country and many others BUT I still think Brantingham Lake is one of the most beautiful places on earth

• When I look back, I can see that the decisions they made were not really about them – they were decisions made for all of our benefit – our family’s benefit
• I am forever grateful they chose that path and that my father was not only a willing participant but was “all-in” and eager to lead our family in a most un-selfish way

Closing comments

• It’s clear that with every passing year, I become more like my Dad
• I guess it’s no surprise but the past 5 years of so, I’ve noticed it more
• I also notice lately how far I need to go to get even close to the man he was
• My hope is to continue in that journey – to be a better father, husband and person
• To finish the race as well as he did
• It’s harder now ‘cause my coach is gone
• I miss him

We had a great time at the Celebration of Life. Everyone did. I got to see old friends and family that I had not seen in many years. There were tears of course but a lot more laughter. I was grateful to all who came and spent a major portion of my time thanking them for that. After all, my Dad was gone. If they were attending it was to show support for me, my Sister and my Mom. What a wonderful gift and demonstration of respect.

Bottom line? My Dad was all about people. While seated at a table off to the side, I whispered to an old friend that I was blown away that over 100 people showed up at the event. My Dad was not a celebrity. He was not a politician. He did, however, care about people – and it showed in the response and respect of those in attendance that day. How blessed I was to have been born to him. How proud I am to say I am his son.

ANDREW HENDERSON

Andy’s influence was different and how terrible that it took his death to have the largest impact on me. If my Dad built the foundations of who I am today, it is now Andy who is driving changes forward into the future. I’ve written a book about Andy so I won’t rehash what is already written. If you care to know more about this amazing young man, you can read it here. Click on the Andy link at the top or if on your mobile in the menu section. I couldn’t let the date go by without recognizing the anniversary of his passing and share what has happened in a year.

Let’s start with – Pinball. The big Pinball Loft gameroom that I was building in our new home is completed. Andy would have loved it. This blog is all about Pinball and I could go on and on about the Loft but you can read more about it here at this link on Pinside – get a snack and a drink, it’s a long story

Here are some highlights:

• Over 1,500 square feet
• Holds up to 50 games
• Has a sleeping loft built in
• Has an 8 foot tall Spiderman
• Almost 200’ of RGBW LED lighting

I’m still close with Andy’s Dad. He stops by the Ranch on a regular basis to talk, play a little pinball or spend some time on my shooting range. He is doing great and remains a great friend.

Andy’s daughter is doing well. She spends quality time with Grandma and I get to see her through dozens of pictures on Facebook! She’s growing up and has an amazing and supportive family.

I still miss him. Especially now. 40 pinball machines in a room are no fun when you’re alone. Andy would have been over all the time. He would have brought other friends as well. Man, I’m nowhere near as good as he was at “being a friend”. I miss his impact. His influence. His ability to bring people together.

So what am I doing about that? Well, trying desperately to be a little more “like Andy” and “like my Dad”. Inviting people. Opening up to people. Exploring and trying new things. Over the past 6 months I’ve been much more proactive at either inviting folks over or saying “yes” if asked to join them. My old self is way too eager to say “no” for a million reasons … most under the “I’m too busy” umbrella.

How’s it working? Better. I’m making more connections. Sending more time with others. Meeting lots of new people (outside of Pinball as well). I’ll be honest and share that it’s hard for me. It doesn’t come naturally. Mustering up just a little bit of the new behavior feels like I’m having an out of body experience. But I press on and so far:

• Invited Brad – my political junky, manure hauling, Hammond B3 organ playing, all around genius mechanic buddy up to see the room and play a little guitar
• Chris Blue is now a regular player here at the loft – and I love his passion for Life, Music and Pinball
• Invited Tony my land excavator up to see the room and play some Pinball – work boots and all
• Invited a coworker to bring his entire team for a team building event at the Loft
• And, of course Darin has dropped by a few times already and he and I share a deep passion and interest in Pinball – he a great guy with an amazingly positive outlook and can play the heck out of any game!

It’s easy to see the positive impact of the changes – Life is just more interesting when shared with others.

Andy and my Dad knew that

I’m still learning …